There are so many things wrong with this scenario that I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with: and this is the part your civics class never taught you—your fellow citizens are completely insane and jaw-droppingly stupid.
I know it's meant to be tongue-in-cheek, but I still can't get over how much easier tables are to use than CSS elements. And that's why I'll never be an all-star interactive designer.